I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
