I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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