I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
