He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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