i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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