the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
