after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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