he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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