Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
