At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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