I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
