I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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