I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
