and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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