My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
