I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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