I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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