Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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