Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
