i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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