Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
