I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
