woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
