Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
