Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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