Will you blow on my dice?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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