did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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