I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
