I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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