So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
