Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
