I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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