Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
