She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
