Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
