you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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