cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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