Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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