Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
