Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
