i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
