I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
