her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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