and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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