you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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