New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wear drunk well.
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