In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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