Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
