Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
