Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if i can run in heels then i can drive
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize