I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
