Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
