He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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